Taking chances and making changes

Taking from Tampa

All of my travels have been filled with joy.

As I sit and listen to the rain trickle onto the roof top on the balcony that overlooks the river, I think about how this trip has been different. I didn’t leave home feeling secure, I left worried and unfocused. My upgrade of a hotel room was more like a downgrade. The distance I had to walk every morning was not far but so hot I was dripping with sweat before my day even started. The amount of homeless people in Tampa is overwhelming. I’m so close to the beach and didn’t even get the chance to feel the sand beneath my toes. Overall the entire time I’ve been wishing I was home. 

But tonight as I sit enjoying my last few minutes of calm and a very expensive bottle of cheap wine I realize what I’m taking from Tampa. I’m not taking souvenirs of any kind nor any item that can be purchased off the shelf. I’m taking a personal lesson on life and travel. 

Taking from Tampa

1.  I am fortunate. I have a job, house and family and friends that support me. I look at all of these people that are sitting by the river drying their clothes on fence post, carrying every belonging they have on their back and sleeping on benches. How selfish am I to be upset that I didn’t get to go to the beach or go exploring? 

2. I’ve traveled alone a lot of times and I realize now each time I traveled in the past was because I wanted things to change. Traveling to me was like trying to change things without actually changing them. It was the idea that my problems would disappear if I just changed location. All that really did was put things temporarily on hold. Travel fixes nothing it just distracts you from what’s actually happening.

3. When your lucky enough to have someone that cares about you, it doesn’t matter how far away you are, you make time to work on the problems or struggles you are faced with because you love them and they love you. It’s as simple as that.

4. Travel is meant to be shared. Regardless of if it was with one person or a group. Travel gives me the power to share experiences and stories and to connect with people. 

5. I am not alone. Regardless of how lonely, stressed out or overwhelmed I feel I have someone to share that with. It’s nice to finally see that I don’t have to do everything on my own. Someone wants to help me and someone is on my side. 

This indeed has not been the ideal trip of the year but it has opened my eyes and I couldn’t as for anything more to be taking home from Tampa. 

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Described as a delicious must try treat these chocolate potato chips were quickly selected as my on the road snack!

Here’s what they don’t tell you…

1. The tear here tab doesn’t actually work.
2. Opening will require some biting of the bag
3. You will feel completely puzzled and like a child after 5 minutes of trying to open the bag
4. Others watching will question your ability to get this bag open
5. Shaking the bag will not help
6. A moment of frustration will happen followed by outburst of laughter
7. Try using your teeth again it will help….not really
8. Pulling the bag apart will also result in a fail
9. At about 8 minutes you will be laughing so hard you are crying
10. When you finally get the bag open you will decide the chips are ok but the opening process was totally worth making the purchase

I clearly could have sent this message to a phone but there are two problems with that…

1. It would have been way to long.

2. I would have gotten a reply

When I told you how I was feeling about you a few months after I started seeing you all you could say was “I didn’t know you were going to fall in love with me and shit.” I get it, you weren’t ready, my bad.

Eventually I moved on emotionally. I found someone that cared about my feelings and wanted to work toward a future. Yes, I did take a small step back from our friendship but I never stopped fighting for it. I stood up to the person I was dating a million times saying my friends were not negotiable. He didn’t have the power to choose them nor would he ever.

Then you told me you loved me…… thank you for complicating things. Winner move if you ask me, you know since that situation wouldn’t have worked anyway.

I came floating back to your arms willing to give you everything you had ever wanted. But that idea was simply foolish, you didn’t want it. You wanted the perks of being in a relationship without being obligated to one. Touche my friend. That was the best idea ever. No need for a title, you can do whatever you want while keeping me by your side. 

Eventually you were leaving to work on your future. I couldn’t have been more thrilled or excited for you. Honestly, I was sad for myself but I found joy in helping you in every way I could. When things didn’t go as planned I was still by your side and often I began to ask myself why I was holding on so tightly to someone that would let me blow away in the wind if they had the option.

I started seeing other people again. I felt so guilty for trying to be happy but everyone told me it was what I had to do. You didn’t really seem to mind since you were thousands of miles away. And then you came back….things were different but I sill found myself fighting for something between us to work even if that was just a friendship.

Before I knew it, I was in a whirlwind of happiness. I had been blindsided by something so wonderful that it to this day takes my breath away. This time it wasn’t you. It wasn’t something I had to fight for. It was something so perfect it just simply worked. 

You and I would talk from time to time. I would become upset by something you said and I would be asked “Why do you even talk to him?” The answer was simple, I don’t walk out or give up on people, it’s not who I am.

Then today happened, you say snide comments just because you can, you ask me to cuddle because you know I hate saying no and you question the longevity of my happiness. 

Well sir let me just tell you this….

1. You can not talk to me that way. It hurts my feelings and I’m no longer going to let it happen.

2. NO you can’t cuddle with me

3. The longevity of my happiness is dependent on my actions and those actions will not be influenced by you or anyone else.

4. You have made me question why I continue to be your friend, because friends don’t treat friends like shit for selfish reasons.

5. Yes it is selfish that you only want me when I’m happy 

6. You need to realize my feelings are not a toy so quit treating them as one

7. I will not put anymore energy into making a friendship work between us as long as you continue to try and break me down

8. You’re welcome for posting this as a blog, otherwise your phone would have been going off for an hour with messages.

 

What Matters Most

What Matters MostSo last night a friend and I were talking about work. Lately I’ve been down on the subject. I don’t particularly enjoy the leadership that is currently in place but I can’t say that I’ve put forth any effort into changing what I don’t like. She encouraged me to make some changes even if it’s in the way I interact.

Then this morning while I was doing my morning Facebook browse I saw the photo above. It really clicked in me that regardless of what my views on leadership are I need to put more effort into being proactive and keeping a positive attitude. 

My negativity is doing nothing but hurting me. It’s making me want to be disrespectful, resentful and unmotivated. These things are not up to my standards and I don’t want to carry around these qualities anymore. It’s not who I am.

I decided to come up with a list of statement that directly relate to me  and keep them by my desk as a reminder that I can’t control the things other people do or who they are but I am in charge of who I am and how I react.

My Desk List
Value Work Ethic – work hard and be productive

Be Optimistic – focusing on the good will make things easier

Take Initiative – in all aspects of work

Be a Team Player – teamwork is key to accomplishing everything that needs done

Be Loyal – Be loyal your values and your standards

 

 

Complete Contentment

Have you ever felt like the world just disappears?

I have. It’s one of the best feelings in the world because in that period of time all I can feel is complete contentment. Read the rest of this entry »

Wasting Time…

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Some days I just feel like crying. Today is one of those days. I think it’s because I’m a bit disappointed in myself. I’ve let people dictate my decisions and my happiness for so long that it’s hard to change it. I’m angry that I haven’t done a very good job of taking care of myself and the things I want to do.

I think its more apparent today because I’m anticipating what is to come in the very near future. I know I should be happy and excited about a new opportunities but I just go back to thinking, what if I just did what I wanted to do.
Read the rest of this entry »

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I hear it a lot that I’m “smart” because I don’t have a child. I have no obligation to anyone nor ties to the town I live in. I have the freedom to up and leave when I want to. I can make plans without thinking about details. Read the rest of this entry »